Have I really not posted since Sunday? It’s been a longer week than I thought.
Honestly, the past few days have felt like a year. This weekend (as alluded to in my last post) was quite an emotional bomb. At first I really kicked myself for being naive and putting my hope into someone like that, but you know, I’m not upset, because I had the courage to try. I remember this quote (from a James Bond movie of all places), “What’s the use of living if you can’t feel alive?” I guess that’s kind of where I am with that. Bitter sweet.
I think the Evil One knows that I can usually handle big things going wrong pretty well, but a lot of little ones will ruin my day. I’ve been crazy stressed this week with finals. One of my professors gave us back a final project to revamp with no feedback…the most frustrating thing in the world. I’ve studied so much my brain hurts. My internet was down for a day or so (another reason I didn’t post), and a bird unloaded on my car. I went to my last youth service with the youth group I’ve been working with this week (I’m going to miss those kids so much), and we just had the mother of all ice storms today. What a week!
Winter is the perfect visualization of everything I hate in life. It’s bleak, it’s dark, it’s dead. I struggle to find happiness in the winter. I get really depressed. I’ve actually had to medicate myself through winters with antidepressants in the past. This weekend was really bleak and dreary, which I think is why I was so wiped out by the events that happened. But today was horrible. I literally couldn’t get out of bed this morning. To go from sunny, bright days to no sunlight at all is the most horrible thing for me to experience. It takes my breath, it taps my energy, it freezes my soul. It’s bad enough that there’s nothing on the trees, very little green or brightness, and that it’s horribly cold. I can’t stand to be cold. It makes me feel so hopeless.
Everything’s frozen. I feel like my life is, as well. I actually set my desktop to a picture of a crying girl (I got it from Getty Images, it’s a beautiful shot), because I feel like that’s me, deep down inside. Crying. Fighting to get out, fighting for it to make sense, fighting for someone to understand the way I see things for a change.
I feel like it’s always a fight lately.
I was walking down the sidewalk tonight, and the trees were all leaning over, bowing under the weight of the ice with which they were stricken today. That is how I feel. Frozen, oppressed with more weight than I can bear, and dead. I can pinpoint all these things in my life that just aren’t going right, and I can’t fix them. All I can do when I pray is say that I don’t know what to do now. It’s all broken. It’s all bent. It’s all damaged.
Eventually, I know sun and warmth will come again. It always does. I just have to wait it out. But making it through the cold is hell.