I get way too caught up in what I think I need to be doing to appreciate what I am doing.
Seriously, if there is any “lesson in life” that I could articulate that I am learning right now, it would be that I really shouldn’t be planning life so carefully, because it has this way of turning out differently than I had planned. Still, I’m constantly stressing over how much I’ve written during a day (or, often, if I’ve written during a day), my responsibilities to this or that or something else…I even get stressed if I’m not where I want to be in a book that I’m reading for pleasure and relaxation! What’s wrong with this picture? Why am I stressing over things that are a privilege to be able to do to start with, things that many don’t have the opportunity to do? Things that I remember not having the opportunity to do? I complain about not writing enough, when there are many who would love to be able to put words onto paper. I complain about how I had to struggle through my master’s degree when there are those who would give anything for a GED. I complain about being too involved in friend’s lives, or family situations, when there are those who would don’t know what family is like and would give anything for a friend.
For all of the planning I do in life, all of the arranging and predicting and looking toward future education, artistic, and general life goals, I suddenly realize that I’m making the tragic error of not enjoying today to its fullest. Madeleine L’Engle speaks of how her spirituality was something she just did, that she just lived in faith and therefore grew in faith. There wasn’t the stress of doing more spiritual things or being more religious. There wasn’t the stress of keeping a certain writing formulae. She just wrote, and lived…and did both prolifically.
It seems that, in compensation for losing track of the things that I realize I was designed to do, I’m suddenly trying to overdo them. I guess what I’m saying is that I’m starting to get my brain around the art of letting go, and just letting life happen instead of trying so hard to arrange and schedule it. It will either be a vibrant success, or be a complete disaster. But whichever it is, it will be a free one, and I think that’s better than a pristinely organized and planned existence.
Here’s to spontaneity.