I guess I’m trying to just get this stuff out somewhere so I can sound it out. Those of you who like to leave me comments, please, give me feedback!
I’ll preface this by saying that I’m running on sleep deprivation. I got like little to no sleep last night. Mostly because I couldn’t get stuff out of my mind. I just tossed and turned all night (even the jazz didn’t help). My brain wouldn’t shut off. When I’m working on a project, that tends to be a good thing. When I’m stressing over life, it doesn’t.
Specifically, I’m stressing over school, and over a pretty dramatic change that I’m considering making in the new year in regard to my ministry involvement. The two don’t add up. My scholarship arrangements could be lost, which worries me the most. My financial situation is bringing me down in a major way…I’m so tired of “poor student” status.
Well, it occurred to me last night that I was just worrying and worrying and worrying (obviously not sleeping), but not praying about it. It’s not that I haven’t prayed about it, it’s just that I tend to talk to God on a surface level about it. So at some wee hour this morning, I had the passage running through my head where Jacob wrestles with God, and refuses to let go until He blesses him. And I just got up, and started praying, “God, I’m not letting go of You about this. I don’t see any way around this. I need an intervention that I’m not getting. I need You to show up. I’m not letting go until You do.”
Eventually (graciously), I fell asleep. I had this strange dream about my family during the holidays. I’ve always had an extremely close family, and the dream was so vivid that I woke up missing them, really longing to be around them. That’s pretty uncommon for me…I’m a very independent guy. And here’s the screwed up part: in the background, I heard my friend’s band doing their rendition of “Blackbird singing in the dead of night” (the old Beatles song). And I was thinking about an old job I used to have…my first professional “office” job out of college. I remember really loving that job.
The only place that left me when I woke up is that I am so extremely thankful for the places God has allowed to be and the things He has allowed me to experience. I don’t have any idea what He’s trying to communicate to me through this dream or the things He’s bringing to my recollection of late, but I know it’s in response to my prayer.
I guess when I figure it out, I’ll let ya know.
Ok, so this must have been the most boring post ever. Sorry. I hope this finds you all blessed and happy.
I’ve often wished God would just drop a giant scroll down that tells me exactly what to do. Yeah, I realize that thought doesn’t help you at all.
I like knowing with absolute assurance that what I’m doing is the right thing, but it often seems that I’m stepping out on just a good hunch. It’s not until looking back that I see the evidence of God’s hand. Anyway, I said a prayer for you.
Worrying…it’s a waste. Has it ever brought anything good to you? Me neither.
I worry too, even though I know God provides.
You know, Jacob limped for the rest of his life because of that wrestling match…but, at least he slept well.
Money…finances. I think that is the only thing I worry about. I hate that.